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Anna Bearss Story - Part 2 - Finding A New Outlook

Published by
DyeStat.com   Mar 3rd 2017, 2:48pm
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A Long, Winding Road - From darkest times to a ray of hope

By Anna Bearss

            Editor's Note: After seven years of trying to meet an idealized standard by cutting back on what she ate, college runner Anna Bearss endured a painful cascade of health-related problems, detailed in the first first of two parts of the story she seeks to share with others who may be going through the same issues. In Part 2, Anna recounts how she hit rock bottom before discovering a new, healthy way to channel her energy.

Part Two: Surgery & Summertime

Impending surgery to alleviate my compartment syndrome and six months worth of work addressing my eating disorder required me to find patience I didn’t know I possessed.

But as I went, I found myself becoming more relaxed and at ease with the world I lived in, more confident in my mental capacity to brave any challenge and was gaining faith in my body’s physical capacity for resilience.

In mid-May, I took on the first surgery on my left leg.

I had become comfortable enough in my own skin and was settled in my new patterns and habits to take on the next hurdle.

Had I done this a few months prior, I think the whole concept of no exercise post-operation piled on top of the other stresses that come with surgery would have been overwhelming in light of those circumstances.

So this was the next test. Could I maintain the progress I had fought so hard for and keep my mind from freaking out when, temporarily, I wouldn’t have running to keep me sane?

scarSix weeks after the first surgery, I went back to have an operation on my right leg. 

Throughout this process, my new eating habits and weight stayed sound. Looking back, I see that this was one of the biggest growth periods in solidifying those changes. As far as the outlook for my running career went, this was a waiting game.

When this was all said and done, would my legs feel better or not? Early on, I was optimistic and determined to keep my dreams of competitive running alive. I convinced myself that somehow, willpower and determination would translate into successful results following the operation.

Needless to say, the most heartbreaking phase of it all occurred from August to early November, when I had to deal with the realization that the nerve pain in my legs was worse than ever.

For this, there was no opportunity for a fix-all solution.

 

From Down and Out to Onward and Upward

I could barely comprehend life after running. I went through a phase of denial, even though circumstances beyond my control. I still saw myself as “quitting” or “giving up.”

In the moment I was just as angry about the timing of it all. I had come so far to move past my struggles with anorexia, and my biggest motivation to proceed and push through was to get my body functioning well enough again that I could return to training and competing at the level I desired.

Frustration led me to feel as though all the effort I had poured into recovery was pointless. The realization that the goals I had for so long would never be fulfilled hit me pretty damn hard.

Plenty of nights I cried myself to sleep while anger ate away at me during the day. I was bitter and grieving. I felt as though my identity had been ripped away.

I hit a low point. As my sister Ellie can attest, there were several nights where I was close to losing my grip.

Throughout the fall, that’s the place I was in. I let myself sink and struggle. I was stuck in a rut. (Fortunately, that didn’t affect my eating habits, which were still good).

But by the grace of God and with the continued help of Dr. Chew, I reached the point where it was evident change had to happen.

After allowing myself to bounce around at what felt like rock bottom for some time, I was able to dial into the flames from a new fire.

I realized that even though I can’t train and compete anymore, it’s not all over.

In fact, what I’m up against is nothing of the sort.  I can stay close to the sport and maintain a lifelong relationship with running, even if I do nothing more than jog a few miles a week and spend a lot of time slamming around heavy dumbbells in the weight room.

I have this growing confidence that my purpose is to go into coaching. The key mentors who have had the greatest impact on my life are not runners who are at the peak of their careers, winning races and earning medals.

They are coaches and other figures who have the same undying love for the sport as I do, and who have made great lives out of that passion from the sidelines pushing others to reach their goals.

I am moved and inspired most greatly by figures like Kyle Walsh and Dana Neer, who I met when I was 14, and who helped foster my love for the sport and growth as a person all along the way.

Also, I am brought to my knees when I think about the dedication and legacy of Indiana State coach John McNichols, who died of a heart attack in December after 33 years of coaching the Sycamores.

coachingI have always been drawn to greatness, specifically those who strive to reach an elite level, and the change of pace I’ve experienced lately will not deter me from those visions.

So for now, you can find me on the sidelines helping out with the program at Indiana State. I’m eager to learn, eager to love, eager to make a difference, but most importantly eager to live.

In the past, I have responded to setbacks and challenges by getting back out on the track or cross country course as quickly as possible.

This past year has pushed me to bounce back in a slightly different manner, but it has given me a whole new confidence in my grit and liberated me from the unhealthy habits that plagued my past.

When I look back on how the past 12 months have unfolded, I am filled with gratitude and appreciation for the timing of each and every event.

I see running and the hope for a career as an athlete as the momentum behind my determination to fix my eating disorder. I see the strength and new perspective I gained as the components that have allowed me to cope and find a new light outside of the goals and joy that I used to get from running.

More importantly, I have found peace in the fact that I took the train all the way to the end of the tracks.

I put up the good fight to keep my dreams alive for as long as possible, and can walk away thankful for the many lessons I learned all throughout my career that will prepare me to give back more generously in the future.

My point is not to brag, nor am I trying to draw attention to myself. I only want to shed light on real circumstances and situations that other runners face and will find themselves up against.

Hopefully, this story will give others the confidence to take similar steps and the courage to embrace change even if great risk is involved.

Letting go does not indicate weakness. Often times, it is the key to landing on the path to a happy and healthy future.

before and after

 

Previous: Part I - Years of trying to maintain an unrealistic body image take a toll on Anna Bearss' health before she comes to the conclusion that she must change her habits.

Anna Bearss submitted her story to DyeStat. She is a junior at Indiana State University, studing Political Science and Sociology. National Eating Disorders Awareness Week is Feb. 26 to March 4.



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